Psychologists often use words like “compassion” and “narcissism” when talking about celebrities, politicians, or people they know. But what exactly do these buzzwords mean? Compassion is a tool for building relationships; it refers to the ability to understand how others are feeling and respond accordingly.
Maybe you’ve encountered someone at work who seems willing to do whatever it takes to get to the top. Maybe you dated someone selfish who didn’t make you feel loved. These individuals might lack the compassion necessary to understand the needs of others. But how can you tell if someone lacks compassion? These signs are a good starting place.
1. Confusion at Emotions
Compassion is all about emotions. Therefore, if you encounter someone consistently confused by emotions, they might lack compassion. It’s okay for a friend or coworker to be busy and not have time to discuss everything you’re going through. However, watch out for people who try to belittle your feelings or write them off completely.
Also, it’s important to remember that a lack of ability to read emotions might not equate to a lack of compassion. For example, autistic individuals might have trouble picking up on emotional cues but often have a high level of empathy.
2. Entitlement
Individuals who lack compassion might feel entitled because they believe they are superior to others. This can be a sign of narcissism. An entitled individual might believe they deserve all the best things—a promotion, more money, a nice house—and take it personally when they don’t receive them, even if they do little to achieve them.
3. Manipulative Tendencies
Someone who lacks compassion and looks down on others might go to extreme lengths to get what they want. Manipulation can be unintentional or calculated and includes lying, yelling, and using other negative tactics to achieve a goal. It might be so subtle you barely notice, or it can be blatant and damaging.
If someone close to you constantly tries to convert you to their way of thinking or get a particular response, it’s a clear sign that they don’t care about your point of view.
4. Need for the Spotlight
A lack of compassion often results from insecurity, leading to a constant need for attention and validation. An insecure person might be unable to handle small rejections or negative emotions, so they’ll outsource them to their friends or partners. While it’s normal to lean on others during a hard time, a person who lacks compassion will almost always put their needs above anyone else’s.
5. Lack of Empathy
Empathy refers to putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Someone who cannot understand emotions will be uninterested in this practice. They might not feel sad when they hear that a friend received bad news. It will also be difficult for them to comfort others since they can’t relate to what the other person is going through.
6. Intense Envy of Others
Entitlement comes with a need to be on top, no matter the situation. Therefore, individuals with little compassion often feel intense envy when other people succeed. They might be unable to congratulate a coworker who got a promotion or a friend who got engaged if it goes against their own goals.
7. Double Standards
While others’ emotions might not be important, someone who lacks compassion will expect everyone to care about how they feel. In other words, they will take as much as possible without giving. This might look like insisting on telling a friend all about their bad mood and getting upset whenever their friend tries to change the subject. This habit can be especially exhausting for anyone who knows a compassionless person.
8. Believing They’re Immune to Hardship
Someone without compassion might insist on special treatment because they believe they deserve it. In addition, they might have a deeply held belief that bad things will never happen to them, which makes it easier for them to detach from the emotions of others.
They often believe they are—or should be—immune to life’s basic difficulties. Therefore, when they experience a setback, they react disproportionately and will do anything to right the perceived wrong that has affected them.
9. Criticism of Others
Unsurprisingly, a lack of ability to feel for others often leads to a tendency to criticize others, whether to their face or behind their back. A compassionless person might berate someone for making a small mistake or constantly make fun of them. Of course, if the criticism turns around, the compassionless person will likely lash out and deny any accusations of wrongdoing.
10. Accusing Others of Being Too Sensitive
If someone tells you you’re too sensitive, treat it as a red flag. Yes, building resilience to rejection and communicating your emotions appropriately is important. However, no one should belittle you for showing emotions or objecting to something that offends you.
Calling someone too sensitive is a common tactic of manipulation—it makes them question their feelings and reality, making it easier for the manipulator to persuade them to a different point of view. If you encounter this behavior in a romantic relationship, addressing it early on is important.
11. Avoidance of Emotional Situations
Someone who lacks compassion might avoid emotional situations altogether. They’re likely to be out of their element in any circumstance that requires comfort or reassurance, which can extend to their career choices. They also might manipulate emotional situations for their gain, recognizing when people are more vulnerable.
12. Victim Blaming
Compassionless people often believe it’s your fault if you suffer hardship. This belief can show up in harmful ways in romantic relationships and even turn into emotional abuse. If your partner blames you for everything or insists that your bad day was your fault, it could be a warning sign for the relationship.
While it’s important to accept responsibility for your mistakes, it’s also important to recognize if your partner is making you accept responsibility for things you can’t control.
13. Not Asking How You Are
This might seem basic, but if you have a friend who never checks in with you—or only seems to contact you when they need a favor—this can be a sign that they’re not interested in how you’re doing.
Healthy friendships fluctuate over time depending on how much energy you can give your friends. A friendship with a compassionless person tends to be one-sided—they will rarely be interested in the details of your life, but they’ll expect your undivided attention and immediate help when they’re having a problem.
14. Holding Grudges
A person who can’t understand others’ emotions will also be less likely to accept apologies or understand when someone has changed. If you wrong them, there’s no going back. Crucially, it can be very easy to get on their bad side. Someone who’s only looking out for themselves will take every minor mistake as an excuse to write someone off.
15. Not Listening to Other Perspectives
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who only talked over you and dumped facts and statistics on you until you couldn’t hear yourself think? You might have been dealing with someone who lacked compassion. While it’s normal to disagree during a debate or argument, compassionless people often carry a debate mentality into everyday life. If something challenges their fragile worldview, they lash out.
Building bridges is crucial in human society. We evolved to work together and protect each other. Therefore, it is important to recognize when a person takes advantage of other people’s kindness. While it might be frustrating to meet someone like that, it is important to note that compassion is a skill—it can be learned and honed to make our relationships stronger and more fulfilling.